There is a simple way to fix this problem. No one has considered this solution because it may be frowned upon by human rights activists but it may be the only way to save this dying franchise. To get the Pirates on the winning track again, they must follow this modest proposal and perform a live sacrifice of Greg Brown, Bob Walk, and Steve Blass to the great god Jobu. Although Greg Brown may accept this fate willingly, Bob Walk and Steve Blass may have to be forced into the live sacrifice in order to restore Pittsburgh Pirate dominance in the MLB.
One strong appeal for this solution is that it has worked once before in the only attempt it has been tried. Therefore, this has never failed. In the movie Major League, the Cleveland Indians had not won a pennant in over 30 years but once a player, Pedro Serrano, sacrificed a live chicken to the god Jobu, the team won the American League pennant and he received extra power by hitting a two run homerun in the eighth inning to tie the tiebreaker game that they ultimately won. Because the Pirates have not had a winning season in 20 years, let alone a pennant, it is necessary to gain more power by sacrificing three live humans instead of one chicken, one person for the first half of the regular season, one for the second half, and one for the playoffs.
Another appeal to this resolution would be the fact that the fans would be spared of three awful announcers. It is dreadful enough that Pirate fans are forced to see the awful team play that is fielded on a yearly basis but then they also have to listen to equally awful commentary. The loss of these commentators would bring in new fans on the listening and watching over the airways that had been lost because of the horrible on-air analysis. In essence, this would be killing two birds with one stone, giving the Pirates extra power from above and eliminating three nuisances to Pirate fans.
One final appeal to proceed with this action would include the fact that the Pirates have not had a winning season in over 20 years. The Pirates are one of the great franchises in baseball and even the country. It is a shame to see a team that has produced greats such as Roberto Clemente, Honus Wagner, and Willie Stargell in the gutters of America’s pastime. What would those players think of the Pirates today is a key question that must be noted. The Pirates have tried everything within those 20 years and they have not succeeded. This alone should be reason enough to push for this drastic but proven plan of action.
Another possible solution to this problem would be to just sell the team and start over with a new regime. The owner, Bob Nutting, is not 100% committed to making the team a powerhouse again and a new owner like maybe Mark Cuban, a Pittsburgh native, could provide that motivation. This would cause a trickle down effect that would dump President Frank Coonley, General Manager Neal Huntington, and the inept Manager Clint Hurdle. This regime has provided parts that are necessary to win but it is now time for new leadership to come in and use those parts to win. As stated above, this could all be accomplished by selling the team and the rest of the necessary moves would be taken care of from there.
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